Maintaining Borders

Dear readers,  well, it has taken me 2 hours to get into this to post a new blog, so you can see I am over my head in the learning curve in many ways. One of the first guidelines I heard about for new widows, is don’t make any major changes, but I didn’t think setting up a new blog on a new computer, and learning to use my cellphone would qualify! Ha!

At any rate, I’ve thought a lot about maintaining borders during my rapidly waning energy level, and have come up with a few internal rules (which I seem to break every so often, only reminding me that they really are important.)  I pushed one of my borders this week end when I drove to the Fresno area to spend a couple of days with a dear friend.  It’s springtime in the central valley, and all the fruits trees are in bloom, acres and acres of them! I don’t regret the trip itself, only the aftermath.

The border-stretching was that it’s a 4-plus hour drive, the longest I have taken alone so far.  Everything went fine, except that after my return last night I was  scheduled fro a grief group from 7-9 pm, and this morning I was scheduled for a session at Apple computers. I had to cancel the Apple class this morning; I simply was too exhausted. And I’ll be eating dinner in tonite to reduce the social activity; a lot of people just don’t understand how much extra time I need to grapple with life, but it’s a reality.

However, I am planning how I will deal with next week, as I’m making another excursion ( this time a much shorter trip to Sonoma,and I won’t be driving alone.)  I’m hoping I’ll pace myself better before and after this trip.

I guess it really comes down to being willing to say ‘no’ just because I know I don’t have the energy right now. Even though Roger has now been dead longer than he was ill, I’m still walking through the grief of his loss, and one indication is the need for extra sleep and time alone.  Because I live in such an activie community, it’s sometimes difficult not to overstep my boundaries and do things as I used to.  I find it’s like walking a balance bar, I don’t want to become a hermit, but I don’t want to run on exhaust fumes either!  Whether you are a widow or not, you might think about what borders you need to maintain.


“Hey lady, lose your car?”

This has probably happened to you…you park in a large grocery store lot and come out only to realize you have no idea where you parked your car.  It’s been happening to me more often than usual lately.  Even when I try to remind myself of the ‘markers’—“now, It’s the 3rd row in, next to the cart return station”.

In grief counseling, this  behavior is often referred to as ‘distractability’, altho I even did this to a lesser degree when I was not a widow. The apex of this malady occurred the other day when I parked my car at a location I thought was about three blocks from the Verizon store (more about the problems of using a ‘smart phone’ another time.)  I proceeded down the street a good six blocks, and still no store in sight.  I finally asked another shopkeeper, and learned I had three more blocks to go.  Thank God, there were few customers in the store so my issues were dealt with quickly and I was on my way back.  Even though I had told myself, “now you parked just past the Apple Store, in front of a craft shop”, yes, I let my mind wander and walked three more blocks beyond,

finally retracing my steps to the welcome sight of my little black car.  Oh well, they say walking is good for you…

So you see, I have my challenges even in the daily tasks of life, to say nothing about the big ones.  Who was it that said, “take care how you walk”?  I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible, right near the passage about God being close in times of trouble…